..: Down :..

I'm feeling rather down tonight.... I'm not sure why. Normally I am in a good mood, but tonight I am just so down on myself. When I was 16 - 19, I was suffering with severe depression. There were times when I did try to kill myself, and I was admitted to the local mental health hospital for a few nights. Now, I suffer from Anxiety, which is horrible.... I wouldn't like talking on the phone, I wouldn't even answer it, or I would get my mum to talk to the person on the phone for me. Or, when I would go into a super market, I would panic and worry that because I felt so strange in my head (dazed, confused and cloudy), that people would think I am either; A) going to steal something, because I looked so nervous. or B) i was worried I looked as if I was high on drugs, and I didn't want anyone to think that of me or get the wrong impression. I currently take Lovan 20mg, it works wonders for me, but like tonight, I do get my off moments when I feel down. I've been having a lot of issues lately with money. And it really is starting to drag me down. I live with my boyfriend, who is currently on a payment plan to get his business started. But, the amount of income he is provided is even lower than mine, and I have been on a DSP (disability support pension) with centrelink, for the past 4 years. I care about him a lot, but at the same time I really need some of that money for myself.... I am a girl after all and I need to go shopping darn it! I dunno, I mean, I wish I could go and get a job, and sometimes I feel as if I am ready for one, but then I have a panic attack out of nowhere, and I lose hope. I was looking into getting an apprenticeship for professional body piercing, I have an appointment tomorrow at 1:30pm to go and talk to the lady at the studio about it.... But, alas, anxiety strikes again and I don't want to go. I really need to clear my head of the bullshit in there at the moment. I really need to start looking at my life and where I am. Am I happy?.... Sometimes. Right now in my life?.... No.